i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
