...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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