I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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