Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you will always have a special place in my vag
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Pooping to opera.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
