went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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