He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
