i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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