Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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