Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize