I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
