Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
