Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize