Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
