Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
