It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize