My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
