i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
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