I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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