so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
