if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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