i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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