Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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