well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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