I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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