I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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