i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
