Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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