In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
That accounts for only three of the penises
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
