He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
