I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize