ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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