Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
