I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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