I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
