You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
