you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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