My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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