Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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