Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
