we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
