I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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