I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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