i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
