Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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