If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
