My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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