True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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