When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
