bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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