You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
time to smoke my breakfast
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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