i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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