Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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