when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
