I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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