I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
