You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
