remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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