can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
