Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
