hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
