You just made me feel so damn special
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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