You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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