Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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