well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
