I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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